-I'm NOT asking for help or pity, maybe just some advice or encouragement :)
-My life probably isn't as miserable as this might make it appear.
-It's no one's fault why I feel this way so please don't feel like I'm trying to blame any of y'all
So, to start off I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and frustrated right now. I know I don't have school or a job but I am somehow finding things slowly caving in on me no matter how hard I try. Home life is pretty good. My house never seems completely clean all at once but at least I've been making progress on organizing things and keeping up with the kitchen duties (those are the most important in my opinion.) My girls are good girls and shouldn't cause me stress but I'm feeling that when I'm feeling overwhelmed with other things, my patience is short with them. That makes me feel guilty which only adds to those negative feelings I'm having.
My calling at church requires a lot of energy and TIME. Supposedly I should be assigning everything out so I don't really have to do any of the work.....what I say to that "easier said than DONE." I can honestly say that delegating jobs is HARDER than doing them myself. It is definitely a learning experience for me. I'm learning how to work with people and how to find the balance between being nice and being firm. It's hard. Sometimes I just want to scream and lash out at the first person who doesn't do exactly what I want. I know, harsh. I hate that I feel that way. I know this feeling is obviously coming from an evil source but I'm being honest here. I feel like I've reached my limit and would rather just curl up in a ball and ignore my phone and responsibilities. It's no one's fault. People behave in a way that I would behave and many times miscommunication is the culprit. I don't feel cut out to be a leader or delegator. Give me a job and I'll do it, but when you tell me to delegate the whole thing how am I supposed to know what's going on?? I feel like a failure in this category.
I feel like this calling consumes me at times. Sometimes I feel alone because no one else has the same pressure. I may have delegated something to someone but if it doesn't get done all eyes are on me. It's tough. Obviously I'm feeling sorry for myself and having a bit of a pity party. I also feel like I'm in a big rut of feeling sorry for myself and don't know how to get out. That's the worst part. I want to be able to be positive and feel happy even if things aren't going exactly my way.
I am grateful though. Grateful for my cute girls who appreciate me and give me the sweetest smiles. I'm grateful for my pregnancy that is going by much easier than my previous ones. I'm thankful for the good friends I have created in my ward here. I've never felt as settled somewhere as I do here and that's been really nice. I love the example that other girls are to me. I am discovering so much good in so many people that I never would have seen otherwise. I am grateful for my husband and his ability to bring me back to reality. Things are going well in life and I'm hoping to be able to see things through a better perspective very soon. Until then, I will be on my knees a lot trying to find a better solution.
Thank you blog for listening to my ramblings.