Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A Grumpy Post

Well, so much is on my mind right now. Not quite sure if a blog is the best place to put these thoughts but I can't think of anything else. Here are a few disclaimers for my audience
-I'm NOT asking for help or pity, maybe just some advice or encouragement :)
-My life probably isn't as miserable as this might make it appear.
-It's no one's fault why I feel this way so please don't feel like I'm trying to blame any of y'all

So, to start off I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and frustrated right now. I know I don't have school or a job but I am somehow finding things slowly caving in on me no matter how hard I try. Home life is pretty good. My house never seems completely clean all at once but at least I've been making progress on organizing things and keeping up with the kitchen duties (those are the most important in my opinion.) My girls are good girls and shouldn't cause me stress but I'm feeling that when I'm feeling overwhelmed with other things, my patience is short with them. That makes me feel guilty which only adds to those negative feelings I'm having.

My calling at church requires a lot of energy and TIME. Supposedly I should be assigning everything out so I don't really have to do any of the work.....what I say to that "easier said than DONE." I can honestly say that delegating jobs is HARDER than doing them myself. It is definitely a learning experience for me. I'm learning how to work with people and how to find the balance between being nice and being firm. It's hard. Sometimes I just want to scream and lash out at the first person who doesn't do exactly what I want. I know, harsh. I hate that I feel that way. I know this feeling is obviously coming from an evil source but I'm being honest here. I feel like I've reached my limit and would rather just curl up in a ball and ignore my phone and responsibilities. It's no one's fault. People behave in a way that I would behave and many times miscommunication is the culprit. I don't feel cut out to be a leader or delegator. Give me a job and I'll do it, but when you tell me to delegate the whole thing how am I supposed to know what's going on?? I feel like a failure in this category.

I feel like this calling consumes me at times. Sometimes I feel alone because no one else has the same pressure. I may have delegated something to someone but if it doesn't get done all eyes are on me. It's tough. Obviously I'm feeling sorry for myself and having a bit of a pity party. I also feel like I'm in a big rut of feeling sorry for myself and don't know how to get out. That's the worst part. I want to be able to be positive and feel happy even if things aren't going exactly my way.

I am grateful though. Grateful for my cute girls who appreciate me and give me the sweetest smiles. I'm grateful for my pregnancy that is going by much easier than my previous ones. I'm thankful for the good friends I have created in my ward here. I've never felt as settled somewhere as I do here and that's been really nice. I love the example that other girls are to me. I am discovering so much good in so many people that I never would have seen otherwise. I am grateful for my husband and his ability to bring me back to reality. Things are going well in life and I'm hoping to be able to see things through a better perspective very soon. Until then, I will be on my knees a lot trying to find a better solution.

Thank you blog for listening to my ramblings.


Daniel & Bridget said...

I think you are doing an amazing job in your calling and as a mom. You really have done a great job with the RS. I get overwhelmed all the time and I don't have school, a job, or a calling, just two crazy boys! I've been struggling with it a lot lately too. I know you aren't asking for help but please let me know if there is ever anything I can do!

Sarah and David said...

I love that you were just open and honest! I am not going to say that I know how your feeling, because no one but you can know how you are feeling, but I can try to understand. It is hard feeling overwhelmed when you feel like you shouldn't be feeling that way. I have a pretty easy school schedule and I work part time but I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. Then I just feel bad about being overwhelmed because I feel like David has so much more on his plate than me.
I am only going to be here for 13 more days but PLEASE let me know if there is anything I can do to help out. Just remember to give yourself some credit. And remember that we all want to do what we can to help out in the ward! :)

Michelle said...

Tommi was actually talking about that last night (she's a R.S. pres. in her ward, and her husband was never there either b/c he was a 2nd counselor in another ward) - she said in a training mtg something about meeting the essentials first, then your requirements, then moving on from there to other things. She said she found it on the r.s. website and the essentials were like read scriptures, prayer, tithing, fasting, etc. Then the requirements were callings, going to church, etc. So she said she always focuses on the essentials first and then her calling second. Her calling is still important to her, but she said it just helps her feel less overwhelmed knowing she's doing it in steps.

Michelle said...

it's like a picture slide show with bullet points, but here you go

Laura said...

So sorry you had such a hard day (or more than one day?). I hope things are feeling better now...and that those cute little girls of yours have smiled at you TONS and TONS! You are loved!

J-A-M said...

I know this is like a month late... but you are so amazing at your calling! I'm sure its super overwhelming! I get stressed and I'm only in charge of 10 kids! I can't imagine having your calling! But you are so wonderful at it! The day we moved into the ward we found out we were pregnant and you were immediately over that week with dinner for me cuz I was sick. I've never known someone who didn't even know me to be so kind. And now your on vacation but you still organized for me to get dinners after Mackenzie came. Thank you for all you do. and let me know If i can do anything for you!